


Forgotten.

by MycroftHolmes



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander need love, Depression, M/M, Suicide, but Alexander doesn't get the care he deserves, he feels forgotten, no offence to laflams writers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-12 19:54:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MycroftHolmes/pseuds/MycroftHolmes
Summary: Alexander feels forgotten by Lafayette and John, so he does something he would later regret. Or would he?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, i know there have been some recent works like this one, but i feel as though Alexander need love and care and John and Lafayette never seem to give it to him as much as they give each other.

Alexander knew what he was doing was completely wrong and he shouldn't be doing it. But somehow, amongst the tidal wave of guilt that washed away all of his other feelings, it felt right - being in Thomas' arms. It felt like he belonged there, wrapped up in a warm embrace that was meant only for him and no one else, exchanging soft, gentle kisses that made him melt further into the chiselled body of the man whom he claimed he hated when speaking of him to Lafayette and John.

Lafayette and John. His lovers that were oblivious to what was going on between Alexander and his so called enemy Thomas Jefferson.

They would be heartbroken if they knew, Alexander thought. But would they? Would they even care that he was gone from the bed they shared at night? From the table they ate at? From their lives? Some part of Alexander knew they wouldn't, but the part of him that still held hope that they did love him as much as they claimed to said otherwise.

Of course, Alexander loved them both dearly. He and Lafayette had met in college and a flame had ignited between them immediately, obliterating the sorrow that they had both felt before. He and John had met in a bar a few years after Lafayette had entered his life, and John threw gasoline on the already roaring flame to create an untameable fire of passion between all of them. Once, Alexander had thought they were inseparable, that they would live happily ever after, just like everyone had said. But now he thought differently.

Lafayette and John had a special bond, with Lafayette being Johns protector when he slipped into his most vulnerable mindset, and they often spent a lot of time together, cuddling and kissing on the two seater couch. Making love on the double bed, locking the double doors that lead into the room that they created a symphony of moans and cries in.

But Alexander worked an awful lot, and so when Lafayette and John were showing affection and care, he was sat alone on the single seat next to the heater. When Lafayette and John were making love, Alexander would try and unlock the door that lead to them, but would be unsuccessful most of the time and so would retreat back to his single bed in the next room, locking the single door behind him.

However, when they were all together, it was magical. Lafayette would lavish attention on both of them, praising them for being so wonderful and beautiful. Alexander and John would lay happily, caressing one another and letting Lafayette have his way with them both until they all fell into the void of absolute bliss.

However, sometimes Alexander and John would do something wrong, and would be punished for it. Alexander never really minded the forfeits that he had to endure for doing something that he thought was right, but there was one thing that bothered him. Alexander would usually get the harsher punishments, and though sometimes he needed to feel dominated and possessed, he needed love too. He needed to feel like John and Lafayette's equal, which he rarely ever did anymore. He needed to feel as though he belonged with them, and not just a circus animal for them to train to do tricks and punish him when he misbehaved. Alexander needed the love that John received off Lafayette as much as he did. Alexander needed the care and affection that Lafayette received off John, but he never got it. Not once.

Every few nights after a rather rough scene, Alexander would claim to have to work early and would go to his own room, letting his lovers cuddle up with each other without a care in the world, and when they were asleep, he would sneak out. Usually, he would go to Eliza's house, or even Hercules', but on one night, he decided to go and see Thomas.

Thomas and Alexander did not have a good start when they started working in the same complex as each other with them arguing over the tiniest of things, driving their boss mad. However, over time, things changed. They started to talk more, and take breaks together, and Alexander would class them as friends, but Alexander was never satisfied, and so when he visited Thomas on the cold night, he didn't expect to end up where he did - in Thomas' bed, cuddled up to the naked man with a smile on his features.

The night had begun innocently enough. Alexander and Thomas were chatting on the couch, sipping some fine french wine and watching the flames of the fire flicker. It was only when Thomas noticed Alexander crying did he pull him to his side, whispering soothing words to him, that Alexander reached up and kissed him.

As soon as their lips connected, memories of Lafayette and John flashed before Alexanders eyes and even more tears fell down his blotchy face. But as soon as he started to register the warm feeling in his chest rising, Alexander forgot about anything and everything else, focusing on the sensation that he had not felt in what must have been months.

Of course, it was only after, when they were lying in bed, panting with flushed cheeks, did Alexander feel the guilt creep up his senses.

Lafayette and John didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve to know that Alexander had cheated on them because he was selfish enough to think that he was unloved, and that he was forgotten in the world... their only crime, after all, was loving one another more than Alexander. They would be heartbroken, he thought, but the more he thought about it, the less he cared.

Lafayette and John had each other, that's all they would ever need. With Alexander gone, they could finally get married and move into a house that they were both satisfied with and make love all night long without having to worry about being too loud. They could have everything they ever wanted with each other without Alexander around. They had probably forgotten about him already anyways, right?

Of course, Alexander thought as he melted further into Thomas' embrace.

They didn't care for him, and so they wouldn't care that he was gone. Lafayette and John could be together, and Alexander was perfectly content being alone, for that was all he had ever really been. He would just have to try and live with the empty void in his chest where his heart once was. 


	2. Chapter 2

Alexander pushed his key into the door of his shared apartment, creaking the door open almost hesitatingly.

 _'What if they have found out?'_ He thought, poking his head inside to scan the room, his eyes eventually landing on the couch, where both John and Lafayette lay chest to chest, a blanket thrown over their already naked forms. giggling over something that Alexander would never be apart of. They didn't even lifting their heads to look as he walked into the room which smelt entirely of sex and sweat, choosing only to focus on each other.

Alexander stepped into the room, forcing his heels down so they clicked on the wooden floor, making his entrance known, though, Lafayette and John were too occupied. Alexander casted his once hopeful eyes down to the floor as he walked towards them with slow steps. He was nervous, of course. They could've found out what had happened. They could've already packed all of his things and thrown them out on the streets below. But even if they didn't, Alexander must tell them. He couldn't keep what he did secret, it would eat him alive.

"Hey," Alexander said quietly, then shook his head, clearing his hoarse throat and repeating what he had just said, which the two others had blatantly ignored.

"Hi." John said, not even glancing up at him as he lay cuddled in Lafayette's embrace, one that Alexander hadn't been in for months.

"Hello." Lafayette greeted, fondly looking down at John, stroking his hair from his face with a tender hand.

Alexander took a deep breath, fumbling with his hands as he sat down on his single couch in front of them.

"I need to tell you something." He said, almost confidently, and although his voice didn't shake, it was clear his body was instead.

Lafayette simply hummed in response. John didn't do anything to even acknowledge that he was even saying anything.

"I..." Alexander stammered for words, frantically searching his mind for something - _anything_ \- that could make this easier. But, when he looked over to see the loving expression on Lafayette's face that was aimed purely at John. His sweet little boy that was so entirely perfect to him that he couldn't even tear his gaze away to lay his eyes on the person who helped him through his life, Alexander exploded.

"You know what? This is pathetic, and i am done waiting around for you two to fucking act like you care about me!" Alexander seethed, finally - finally - gaining their attention, looking into their wide eyes and continuing to let out the emotions that had spent months inside of him, eating him up until he felt nothing at all.

"You both sit there and act like your shocked, but you know for a damn fact that i meant nothing to either of you! I'm just the circus animal that you trained to do tricks before you got bored and threw me out of your lives. I'm just the dog that was once loved before it got abandoned on a highway, looking so desperately to cross to the other side where he could find a new life without horrifically killing itself on the way across! Am i nothing to you? In fact, don't answer that, i know i'm not. I'm not even worthy of a decent 'hello', i'm not worthy of a single glance when i walk in, i'm not worthy of your presence because you have each other, right? That's all you'll ever fucking need."

"Alexander-" Lafayette started, frantically trying to get up and reach to him, but Alexander continued before he could get anything out.

"Every night I am forced to sleep in my own bed whilst you two cuddle up together in yours. Every night after a scene, no matter how rough it was, i am forced to pretend that i don't care how much i am hurting inside because i am just forgotten. Yes, i asked to be coddled, yes, i asked to not have tonnes affection laid on me, but any amount of affection would be perfect at this point, because there isn't any at all at this point! The 'I love you's you give at the end of the night have since lost their meaning, and also lost their goddamn way out of your mouths because they are never spoken anymore! And i'm sick and tired of being forgotten, and so i'm fucking done with this shit!"

Alexander breathed rapidly, the tears in his eyes extinguishing the fire that once burned in them, but he didn't seem to notice as his body shook. He didn't seek to notice Lafayette and John in front of him, their own eyes wet and their faces blotchy as they tried to soothe him. But as he had said, Alexander was done, and so he ripped out of the embrace he had wished for for months, and rushed to his bedroom. Pulling out a suitcase from underneath his bed, he quickly stuffed everything he had inside, strangled sobs flying from his mouth as he did. Alexander briefly noticed Lafayette in front of him, trying to stop him by holding his hands, but Alexander ripped them away, zipping up his suitcase and storming out of the apartment with both of his previous lovers yelling for him to stop, to come back, but the door had already slammed closed before the words had even reached Alexanders ears.

Not hours later, he found himself on the roof of his office complex, standing on the edge, ripped sobs tearing from his throat as he clutched himself, trying to keep all of his broken pieces together.

What was my life anymore? He thought, looking over the edge, seeing nothing but concrete and hard floor beneath him. But despite how brutal it looked, it seemed comforting, for he knew it would lead to the void of nothingness, where he didn't need to feel anything any more. And so, Alexander spread his arms, his teary eyes closed as the tendrils of cold air circled him like an old friend and pulled him off the edge.

Wind whipped his hair around his face, flowing through his clothes like the most soothing of waters as memories flashed in his eyes.

Memories of when he and Lafayette had first met, memories of when they had first kissed, first made love, first met John.

Memories of how they spent hours together, happy smiles on their pleasantly bright faces as they lay in the afterglow, their loving eyes staring at one another until they eventually succumbed to sleep.

Memories of how John and Lafayette would cheer him up with sweet kisses that would make his heart melt.

Memories of how Lafayette and John would always joke and laugh together, their vibrant smiled lighting up even the darkest of rooms.

Memories of how Alexander was alone. Alone in the dark, alone in life.

Memories of Alexanders abandonment.

Memories of Alexanders mistakes.

Memories of the night he spent with Thomas...

Thomas.

_Thomas._

And then...

Nothing. 


	3. Chapter 3

Alexander lay in his hospital bed, as pale as the once white sheets he lay on before crimson blood that leaked from his wounds dominated the blank nothingness of the fabric. Wires of different colours attached him to numerous machines, helping to keep his slowing heart running, almost begging it to finish the race it started all those years ago when he was born. The faint beeping noise of the heart monitor rung in Alexanders ears like the church bells that were rung to announce his arrival in the world. Perhaps they would even be the very things that would announce his departure.

Alexander's bruised eyelids fluttered, the glaring light on the ceiling blinding him almost immediately, causing him to recoil into the pillow in which his bloody head lay.

'Am I dead?' Alexander thought to himself, his mind whirring faster than usual as he tried to decipher what on earth was going on. He remembered the fight with Lafayette and John, that part was as clear light... but what happened after? He faintly recalled the tears on his face, and the wind rushing through his hair and clothes. He remembered seeing the leaves that scattered the floor beneath him due to the cold fall weather-

'Fall...' Alexander whispered to himself in his head, which had suddenly stopped to concentrate on that one singular word that had meant nothing to him before. 'I fell.'

Alexander lay still in his bed, tears beginning to leak from the corner of his bloodshot eyes, creating streaks like prison bars down his blotchy cheeks. He wanted to cry, but he felt his throat rip at the first sound that came out of his mouth. But despite how small the noise was, it managed to send a signal to those who were sleeping in the room.

Thomas was the first to wake from his dreamless sleep, his wild hair sticking up in all kinds of different places, and his shirt wrinkled to to his awkward position, but he didn't seem to care as he rushed to Alexander. Taking his hand in his own, he carefully ran his thumb over his knuckles.

"Hamilton?" Thomas said quietly, leaning over his face to search his eyes frantically, trying so desperately to see them crack open, even the tiniest amount.

"Hamilton?" Echoed in Alexanders mind, bouncing off the inside of his skull almost painfully as he tried to deduce who was there. He knew it wasn't Lafayette, for the accent wasn't too strong for it to be French. He knew it wasn't John either because neither of them would've called him by his second name. But who else would care enough to visit him? There was Hercules, of course, but he was away, and Eliza did not have such a deep and thick drawled voice-

Thomas.

Alexander gathered every atom of strength in his body, forcing his eyes open once again, expecting to be greeted by the blaring light once again, but felt a smile creep onto his face when he saw who was blocking it from hitting him.

Thomas. Thomas and his stupid worried face that lit up in absolute joy when they locked eyes with each other. Thomas and his gorgeous smile that shone brighter than any other light that had blinded him before. Thomas was here for him. Alexander wasn't alone.

"Alexander," Thomas whispered, numerous emotions making his voice shake, his southern drawl more pronounced then usual due to his recent awakening. "I... I didn't think that you would wake." he admitted in a soft voice.

Alexander could've laughed. Thomas Jefferson, the normally boisterous man who strutted around the office like it was a catwalk sounded smaller than the sound of tears dripping to the cold floor in which he stood.

Opening his mouth to speak, Alexander suddenly felt a single digit pressed against his lips softly, as saw Thomas' curls bounce as he shook his head. "Save your strength."

Alexander grinned as wide as he could without ripping the stitches on his cheek.

"You k-know... that talking is my... b-biggest strength." Alexander whispered in a raspy voice, causing his vocal cords to throb painfully in his throat.

Thomas chuckled, wiping at his eyes and smiling widely.

"Yes, I suppose it is."

However, before another word could exit from his mouth, he suddenly heard a scramble from the other side of the room and the sound of footsteps hurriedly walking towards him. Then, the torn faces of both Lafayette and John were looking over him, obvious tear streaks lining their red cheeks and even more gathering in their equally bloodshot eyes.

"Alexander..." Lafayette whispered, choking on a sob that echoed around the room as he clamped a hand over his mouth, closing his eyes against the tears that dripped down his face, trying to create a barrier to stop them from showing.

John opened his mouth to speak, but no words would come out. Nothing inside of him would allow him to say a thing, for guilt was holding him back from doing anything at all but sob.

"Alexander, I am so sorry." Lafayette cried into his hand, his usual tough stance deflating as his body started to tremble with each ripped sob he let out. "We are so, so sorry. Please... please believe us."

Alexander looked between the two lovers, feeling himself start to break upon staring at their wrecked faces. Tears gathered in his own eyes, and he felt Thomas squeeze his hand gently, letting him know that he was still there. Alexander let out a shaky breath and whispered.

"It is no fault... of your own what h-happened. It was m-my own... stupid mistake."

John shook his head rapidly at his words, wiping furiously at his face.

"No, it wasn't. If it weren't for us then you wouldn't have-" But not another word could be forced from him as he dissolved into a round of cries that caused his legs to buckle beneath him, almost causing him to fall to the ground as hard as Alexander had.

"I'm sorry," Alexander croaked, trying to reach out for them with a shaky arm.

Lafayette clasped it immediately, opening his eyes once again, only for them to be met by Alexanders warm ones. It only made his tears fall harder as he squeezed his hand, breathing shallowly, trying to calm himself down.

"Don't be," Lafayette whispered, taking his other hand away from his mouth to take Johns in his own. "Please, don't be sorry. It was not your fault."

"Believe us, Alexander." John said quietly, bending over to kiss his cheek softly, letting his lips linger.

Alexander nodded slowly, relishing in the warmth of his lips before they were gone, and replaced by Lafayette's, but on his knuckles instead. With a smile, Alexander reached to brush a tear from his face and stroke his blotchy cheek, watching as Lafayette's eyes drifted to meet his.

"Don't blame y-yourselves. Please."

"That is harder said than done, mon petit lion."

"Try. For me." Alexander looked at them both hopefully, breaking into yet another smile as they nodded their heads, matching the look on his face happily.

Hours later, when Alexander had practically ordered Lafayette and John to go home and get some rest, he found himself lay on his once blooded sheets next to Thomas, who had carefully manoeuvred himself underneath all of the wires that were attached to him to hold him carefully in a comforting embrace. Alexander linked their fingers together, brushing his thumb over his knuckles gently.

"Thomas?" he whispered softly, his voice not nearly as hoarse as it had been before.

"Yes?" Thomas looked up at him from where his head was resting gently on his shoulder.

"Promise me that you'll be there for me?"

Thomas didn't hesitate to answer as he leant up to kiss his cheek.

"I promise." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry it seems a bit rushed, but i hope you enjoyed reading x


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